Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. You can be as cautious as you want to avoid problems but trying to do so itself may land you in a different set of problems altogether. People become distant. Friends stab you in the back. Things don’t work out the way they’re supposed to.
It all just makes me wonder exactly what it is that makes our lives and growing up worthwhile. We finish school and before we even have time to breathe, we are herded into colleges and bombarded with talks of careers and degrees. You make a choice and you go through with it. But what happened to all those ideas of living life to the fullest?
Are jobs and money all that matters to live a happy life? Will good grades ensure that when it’s my time to leave this Earth, I can do so with no regrets and the satisfaction that I’ve done some good? Or maybe I should do what everyone else does and push it aside for me to ponder on at an older age?
So many disappointments and frustrating problems hit us in the face at any time. Do we let them all in or do we learn to let it go and focus on something more important?
If I am to let it go, what important thing can I focus on that will bring peace to my soul? I try so hard to be strong and matured. To show that I’m grown up and I can handle anything. But there comes a breaking point when you start wondering just how much more can you lose from your life before your facade starts to crack.
Even then, you push on trying to be strong. You patch up the cracks and mend it in silence, hoping that nobody else notices just how fragile you really are. You push on with life because you know that’s the sensible thing to do. And even so, careless words and insensitive actions pepper your shell like shrapnels.. threatening to break apart what you have so carefully pieced back together.
I want to know what is worth holding on to right now when all I feel like doing is drowning myself and never coming back up. I try and I try and I try but it always never seems to be enough. People pat my back or give me hugs saying that they know I can do it or that I’m strong. Why do they say that? How is it they know me so when even I am struggling to find the strength to hold on any longer? How can they be so sure that I won’t give up and just let all the pieces I’ve put back together just smash into smithereens?
Is this how the rest of my life is going to be like? Fending off the hurt and pushing on like nothing happened? Aimlessly mending the holes and pretending they don’t exist? Is this what I was destined for?
How I wish I had the peace to say that life will get better. I am in the deepest pit I have ever been and it’s so dark, I struggle to find even a prick of hope to hold on to. Outwardly I’m fine and I act like I’m strong and happy but when night comes and I surrender to the loneliness and depression, that’s where my shell corrodes a little every day.
Well… I certainly didn’t expect to find myself here. You never truly understand what it feels like until you’re actually in it. No amount of prep and steeling your mind and heart is gonna help face the disappointment that comes with failure.
Yes. I failed my exam. I passed two subjects but I failed the third. And now I have to repeat another semester and drop a batch.
It sucks. It sucks knowing that a person who went in with you from school can pass and you can’t. It sucks knowing that girls who party and sleep around can pass and you can’t. It sucks knowing that you’re such a disappointment that your parents can’t even look you in the eye. It sucks knowing that after this, every person who meets you will look at you with pity or superiority in their eyes. It sucks knowing that most of your batchmates will move on and you’ll be stuck behind in a junior batch. It sucks knowing that people will label you as a waste of your parents money. It sucks knowing that people you counted on as friends suddenly don’t care about you anymore.
But you know what sucks the most? Feeling like you’re a worthless idiot. Feeling like maybe you are a waste of money. Feeling like all the effort you put in was a waste. Feeling lost.
I really don’t know where to go from here. I’d happily wipe myself off of the face of the Earth right now if I could but I can’t. And there’s a crippling disappointment in me that never fails to bring tears when I so much as dare to feel it a little.
It really isn’t fair. It just isn’t.
PEOPLE OF TUMBLR-
This is Saber. He’s an 11-month-old rednose Pit Bull with one blue eye and one brown eye. He is a wonderful dog who will cuddle with you and lick your face and sleep on your bed.
And he needs a home.
My roommate and I have been keeping him in our dorm on and off for about a month. My roommate saved him from a shelter at her home in California, where he had pneumonia and would have died had she not helped him. She moved down to Tampa Bay, and when she was admitted to our school, she was told she was only allowed to keep one of her two dogs in the dorm with her. So she gave Saber to a friend.
That friend started beating him.
When the now former friend didn’t want him anymore, a guy who answered a Craigslist ad offered to take him. Only a day after he took Saber in, she got a call from him saying that Saber had chewed up and destroyed a lot of his stuff (there’s still no actual evidence to suggest that he did), and that either she came to get him, and brought money to pay for the ‘damages’, or Saber was going to be dropped at the shelter, where his breed would most likely get him euthanized.
I came with her the night she went to that man’s house. He insisted that we give him $500 or we wouldn’t get him back; essentially, Saber was being held hostage. We watched him throw Saber’s food in the trash can. We had to call the police to get him back to us.
Saber spent three weeks living in our dorm room; and we were lucky that they didn’t find out. Our college’s pet policy forbids more than one pet per student, and we both already have dogs. They also forbid Pit Bulls for insurance reasons (ugh). But my roommate found him a home with a nice couple.
A week later, she got a call, saying that the couple had been arrested (yes really!). The day before, Saber had been neutered, and was not getting the proper pain meds and care he needed. He came back to us that night, much thinner than he’d left.
Saber is living in our dorm room again, and we know it’s only a matter of time before the pet council discovers him. We don’t know what punishment could ensue from that- my roommate could be forbidden from keeping any pets, or both of us could be fined. We know one thing- if the pet council discovers him, we’ll be forced to ‘get rid of him’, which may force us to put him in a shelter, which we really, really don’t want to do. We love him, but it’s not in his- or our- best interest to keep him.
We’ve called just about every animal rescue in the area- a lot of no-kill shelters won’t take Pit Bulls because they’re so much harder to adopt, and many other no-kill shelters, rescues, fosters, etc, are just full, or don’t take owner surrenders. We’re running out of options.
So, Tumblr, we need your help. If you’d like this really amazing and sweet dog to be yours, or if you’re part of a rescue organization that can take him, please send me an ask or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we’ll go forward from there.
Even if you can’t take him for whatever reason (which is okay), please, if you’re seeing this message, please reblog this. We need as many people as possible to see this message, so that he can find the home he’s desperate for.
Thanks for reading.
SIGNAL BOOSTING THIS FOR OBVIOUS REASONS!!!!
This is very satisfying
Could you imagine getting an apartment with the person you love. Falling asleep beside each other, and waking up to see that cute little dopey smile they make when they first get up. You’d never have a bad start to your day, because they’d be the perfect start.
Gotta say, Leo looks happier with Jonah.